Why do I feel defensive the moment someone questions me?

Editor’s note: Below is the latest installment of “The Leader Board” — a featured series in the B&R aimed at helping pastors and church leaders get answers to hard questions.

Dear Leader Board,

I’ve noticed something about myself lately that I don’t particularly like. When someone questions a decision I’ve made, I immediately feel defensive. Sometimes they’re not even criticizing me. They’re just asking a question, but internally I’m already building my case.

I explain too much. I start listing all the factors they don’t understand. Occasionally I hear myself getting sharper than the conversation requires.

The frustrating part is that I know good leaders should welcome questions. I genuinely want feedback. But lately, questions feel less like curiosity and more like challenges.

Why am I becoming so defensive?

 Thanks,

Already Preparing My Rebuttal

Dear Already Preparing My Rebuttal,

The fact that you recognize it is good news. It’s exhausting to believe that every question deserves a closing argument. However, before you diagnose yourself with a character flaw, look underneath the reaction.

Sometimes defensiveness is arrogance. Sometimes it’s exhaustion wearing armor.

Here’s what’s happening beneath the surface. Leadership requires you to make decisions with information other people never see. You’ve considered the budget, the personalities, the history, the consequences, and the conversation you had Tuesday that you can’t repeat.

Then someone walks up after church and asks, “Have you thought about…?” Yes, Betty. We have thought about it. We’ve thought about it since February.

The problem is that your brain isn’t responding only to Betty. It’s responding to the accumulated weight of being questioned, evaluated, misunderstood, and second-guessed — and after years of that weight, leaders develop a kind of relational flinch. A question arrives, and before curiosity has time to enter the room, your nervous system has already labeled it: Threat. That’s when pastors stop hearing information and start hearing accusation.

Let me reframe it for you. A question is not automatically a challenge to your authority. Sometimes it’s just a question.

Before answering, get curious. Ask, “What makes you ask that?” That little sentence buys you something exhausted leaders desperately need: space. Sometimes you just need space between what was said and what you assumed was meant.

Maybe they see something you missed. Maybe they need context. Maybe they’re genuinely concerned. Maybe they’re trying to understand a decision before they support it.

And yes, occasionally Betty really is questioning your leadership. You’ll survive.

The goal isn’t to become indifferent to criticism. It’s to stop requiring every question to prove its innocence before you listen to it.

Pay attention to your first internal reaction. If ordinary questions increasingly feel threatening, don’t just examine the people asking them — examine the pressure you’ve been carrying. Healthy authority doesn’t need constant defending. It has enough security to stay curious.

— Josh Franks

TBMB Ministry Specialist